The Bronx: Founded as Henry Hudson’s vacation home in 1524. Soon after, a portal to hell, open only between the months of April and October, was discovered in the southern half of the borough. This later became the site of Yankee Stadium. The Bronx was originally named the Land of the Bronques, ‘bronque’ meaning a Colonial-era form of street violence where the perpetrator would ride his horse by an intended victim, shooting multiples arrows aimed to merely scare, rather than hit, him. The borough was so named in 1525, when, after being bronqued for the third time since establishing his residence there, H-Hud memorably exclaimed “I’m tired-a all defe muthaf***in' bronquef.” Mid-17th-century hip hop artists changed the spelling to its current form.

Queens: Queens, discovered by Sir Walter Raleigh in 1614, was named after the Queens of England Elizabeth I and James II, who was, by all accounts, a bit of a poofter, or foppish dandy, if you will. Queens was originally called ‘the Land of the Two Airports’ by Native Americans, and it boasts both the world’s first airport and appearance of the taco. The airports were originally built by the UFOs, now preserved at the World’s Fair Site, which landed and settled in Queens sometime in the first millennium BC. Today Queens has the highest Latino population in the Western Hemisphere as well as the highest bodega per capita ratio on earth.

Staten Island: The most recent of the boroughs, Staten Island rose from the sea as the result of a volcanic eruption in 1687. Originally claimed by New Jersey, Staten Island seceded during Krazy Karl’s Konstitutional Krisis of 1787 and for a mere fortnight enjoyed the status as an independent nation. After 14 days of uninterrupted cannibalism, which arises periodically to this day on Staten Island, forces from Manhattan quickly conquered and annexed the island to New York. General Kommandant Karl Kliff McKarlson, commander of Staten Island’s army, was quoted as saying, after surrendering to Manhattan, “We really shouldn’t have built that ferry dock.” Under New York occupation, the inhabitants were made to wear pants and cut back on maulings, reforms which have so far only be mildly successful.

Brooklyn: Discovered in 1564 by the Dutch, who, after crossing the East River, set out into the wilderness and stumbled upon a previously unknown settlement of greasy men in track suits driving Chevy Camaros, the majority of whom were named Tony. The Dutch named the area Brooklyn, which is Middle Dutch for ‘land of the greasy ones’. The years of 1882 through 1897 witnessed the Great Pizza Wars between Brooklyn and Chicago. Brooklyn’s weaponry, being much lighter and more mobile than Chicago’s deep dish ordnance, proved superior, though the length of hostilities left Brooklyn severely weakened, and in 1898 was easily annexed without a fight by Manhattan.

Manhattan: Manhattan was first purchased from its Native American inhabitants for a sum of $24 in March 1512 by unscrupulous real estate agents. The agents then repainted the island and attempted to rent it back to the same Native Americans at a 10,000% mark up, plus first, last, security and 1.5 months broker’s fee. The Native Americans’ application was denied for bad credit.